Nothing gets that heavy lump in the back of your throat going like the kind words of Robin Williams in Goodwill Hunting. As the wise and benevolent therapist, Williams’ character Sean Maguire takes his time, gradually building trust and rapport with Will Hunting (played by Matt Damon), a 20-year-old janitor at MIT and an undiscovered mathematical genius. Will’s troubled by the trauma of his father’s ruthless physical abuse, but his defenses are up, and he masks his fear and anguish with a cocky, macho, lone-wolf persona. The therapist’s famous, repeated line finally breaks Will’s shell as he sobs uncontrollably in his father figure’s arms. If you haven’t seen the movie, I’m sorry.
Inherently, the sentiment expressed by it’s not your fault is one of lovingkindness, empathy, and understanding. It opens space for vulnerable conversation. It comforts and consoles. In my work as a school counselor, it’s not your fault has served as a bandaid for all gradations of teenage woe, from break ups to cast-list disappointments. It rings true as a healing salve for Will Hunting. Stripped of that context, however, I believe it’s ultimately an incomplete recipe for altruistic love.
The type of altruistic love to which Love Ya More aspires may be best encapsulated by the Ancient Greek words storge and agape. Storge refers to the selfless love of a parent, who naturally and instinctually wants what’s best for their child. Agape is another type of sacrificial love, charitable or freely given, and associated in Christianity with God’s love for his creation. Both storge and agape have one chief concern—doing what’s best for the beloved, both now and three years from now, in every moment between, and beyond.
It goes without saying, but doing what’s best for someone right now can often have unintended negative consequences in the long run. History provides plenty of examples of this occurring on a wide, social or political level. During the Civil War, the Confederacy funded their efforts through excessive money printing, resulting in economic hyperinflation that coincided with their defeat. Even charitable offerings, presumably given with love, can go awry. Africa as a continent receives upwards of $50 billion per year from Western donors. Yet, some African countries, like Uganda, are consistently collecting less than 65% of taxes due from their citizens, with little incentive to improve their collection methods due to reliance on large sums of foreign aid.
This pattern also plays out on a smaller scale, between individuals. Consider Amy Poehler’s… questionable parenting style in the movie Mean Girls as the mother of Regina George, the undisputed leader of the popular “Plastics.” Poehler’s character prefers to bring the party home, serving the girls virgin cocktails at “happy hour” and blatantly dismissing the vindictive gossip they write in the “Burn Book.” Entertainment media exaggerates human foibles for a good laugh, but you can imagine how Mrs. George’s glorification of shallow values could be born of “loving” intentions—intentions to make Regina happy by showering her with acceptance, approval, praise, and pleasures.
If not tempered by tough love, the spirit of it isn’t your fault proves an insufficient cliché and a cheap stand in for authentic, holistic love. By relieving the crippling weight of responsibility, it can also hide a more insidious message: It isn’t your fault, and therefore you are helpless. You are a victim. You have no agency.
Radical corners of the self-esteem and self-love movements also convey this message inadvertently through indiscriminate use of the in-vogue platitude, you’re okay the way you are. It’s a warm and encouraging phrase, right?.. and it certainly has merit as a means of combating a culture of conditional love. We all recognize the dangers of shame, rigid expectations, and excessive reprimand. These are undeniably unloving.
However, shame and scolding have their opposite and equally destructive extremes. We need to learn to gauge precisely when the cultural pendulum’s swung too far, when self love crosses over into self obsession, unconditional approval into coddling.
Tough love is the weight we carefully set in place to balance the scale, to strike that sweet spot that a parent finds between praising their child and guiding their journey to maturity through careful correction. Tough love involves using your keen judgment to set clear boundaries.
Maybe you’re out for coffee with a close friend and find yourself on the opposite side of a hot-button political issue. They’re rambling on and you can’t get a word in. You weigh your options, anxiety coursing through your veins at the unimaginable prospect of minor conflict. For the sake of social harmony, you could nod along and agree…
Or, you could share your heart openly. Tough love involves the courage to tell the truth when it’s inconvenient. It means trusting your most cherished friends and loved ones to handle disagreement with grace. By extending that trust and respect their way, you open the opportunity for them to respond in kind, ultimately strengthening and deepening your relational roots.
To return to our hero, the late Robin Williams... you’re probably wondering, should Sean Maguire have spoken those emotionally devastating words to Will Hunting?
Obviously, yes. It’s not your fault was the perfect message for that time and place, for Will’s history of self-sabotage and trauma-induced breakdowns. Yet, we must not forget the relational arc between these two characters. Sean Maguire earned Will’s trust by telling it how it is, always. The movie’s filled with bitter insults, four-letter words, fierce arguments, and slammed doors. Sean Maguire never sacrificed the brutal truth to earn Will’s approval. That’s why the line works, the audience cries, and the film’s one of the 90’s’ greatest.
To love another is an art, and it requires constant negotiation between tough love and tender mercy.
To love collectively requires collective negotiation.
That’s where Love Ya More comes in, and there’s more on that in the next article. In the meantime, these alterations might do us some good.
It’s not your fault, but it is your responsibility.
You’re okay the way you are, but you’re not yet who you could become.
