I had tried my hand at poker and had lost badly. Twice.
With my lack of skill exposed, I thought maybe I should just push buttons on a slot machine and see what happens.
After playing a few different machines, I spotted a gal at a machine surrounded by three of her friends and, whom I later learned was, her boyfriend. She quickly ran out of credits, stood up, and let her friend sit down.
“I hope you win and rub it in your friend’s face,” I said with a smile.
“Maybe, but you probably just jinxed me,” she replied with less of a smile.
“If I jinxed you, I’ll buy you a drink,” I wagered, and she agreed. (To this day, I’m very proud of that line.)
She burned through her $5, and I flagged down a server.
We sat at the bar for about an hour as her friends occasionally walked by to make sure she was OK, and my friends waited impatiently to leave.
At the end of our conversation, I came up with an excuse to give her my card.
I later found out that one of her friends told her, “I can’t wait to tell your kids this story someday.”
Nine years later, we are, indeed, married with two kids.
Our story might seem like love at first sight, coupled with luck and a jinx, but I don’t believe in any of that.
The first problem with the concept is that it relies on a person’s appearance and one’s impression of that appearance. Attraction is linked to passion, one of three components of love according to Robert Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love. Intimacy and commitment are also needed for healthy relationships, according to Sternberg.
Secondly, those who believe they have found love at first sight might try to force a relationship to work despite other incompatibilities or warning signs.
Thirdly, and most importantly, if love is fleeting and can appear out of thin air, it can also disappear into thin air. To the contrary, I Corinthians 13 states, in part, that love is patient and never fails.
It would be ignorant to say there cannot be a connection between two people when they first meet. If it’s not love then what is it?
1) Interest: This is a level of intrigue that does not always lead to attraction or a relationship. It’s simply the thought that leads to wanting to know someone more.
2) Attraction: This takes place when certain aspects of a person’s physicality or personality are appealing to the senses. It can be a foundation for love to flourish, but that’s not always the case.
3) Familiarity: It’s much easier to connect with someone when you feel like you have key things in common and/or that you can trust them. This can happen relatively quickly if a conversation goes well. However, it takes longer to determine whether or not someone is just a smooth talker.
4) Comfort: There are a lot of fears in this world. When it comes to dating, some are afraid they are running out of time or will never find the right person. Feeling comfortable with someone can quell a lot of those fears.
Interest, attraction, familiarity, and comfort are usually good things.
People are drawn to those they find interesting, but not all become friends, and fewer become lovers.
Attraction can provide that initial spark for a relationship, but it must be kindled correctly. To use a fire analogy, if you try too hard to fan the spark into a flame, it will go out, but if you do nothing, it will also fade away. A cautiously optimistic approach is best.
As far as familiarity goes, humans are drawn to those whom they can relate to. They might be similar, they might be different, but they understand each other. This is a good starting point, but it’s good to remember not to write off people who seem unfamiliar at first.
There is such a thing as being too comfortable and letting one’s guard down too quickly or too much. It is better to take a measured approach.
Many good things can happen in a first encounter, but it’s good to remember that it’s only the beginning and it may or may not lead to anything more.
