In moments (or years) of unrest, the internet is mainly about slam dunks. The harder the slam, the deeper the humiliation, the more likes, loves, and retweets.
We’ve seen the pattern play out…
That high-school acquaintance you haven’t gotten around to unfollowing takes it upon himself to post a spicy slogan, triggering a dismissive retort from his mortal Facebook enemy (also his “friend”)… but this brave soul stepped into the paint like 5’5” Earl Boykins in the NBA playoffs. Swarms of Tim Duncans power dribble to the scene, and poor Earl is forever on the wrong side of a 12-year old’s bedroom poster.
Comment threads regularly spiral into a series of anecdotes shared by radicals and obnoxious opportunists as evidence of some grand and almost-certainly oversimplified narrative. Onlookers are swayed by the emotional resonance of these peacock-esque displays, and even the most superficial cultural moments send flocks to their keyboards to join the skirmish.
Oscars speeches, music videos, a college football coach’s t-shirt—it’s all fodder for a good virtual tussle.
As often as arguments break out over these relatively trivial matters—the color of that dress or whether one should bite or lick their ice cream (it’s lick, you monsters)—we also see serious debate about real, meaningful issues. Much of the one-upping on our news feeds is a clumsy manifestation of non-trivial disagreement, especially in 2021.
Because many of our differences are from deeply-held beliefs and conflicting worldviews, being impartial or removing yourself from hot-button conversations may mean not having a say in the matters that matter most.
It may mean NOT seeing your causes championed, your values reflected in society, and your ideas for bettering humanity prioritized and empowered.
This kind of disengagement (i.e. avoiding news channels or scrolling by posts that challenge you) might also lead to what we’ll call false harmony.
False harmony lulls us into a comfort trap. Without a healthy outlet for our opinions, we’re prone to emotional outbursts and passive aggressive gossip. Our suppressed feelings may fester and boil over into our close relationships, as we take out our resentment and bitterness on those we love.
We have to learn how to amicably, respectfully, and tactfully disagree, not to disengage.
You may be wondering ... If human society has always produced a wide array of worldviews and belief systems, then why do we find ourselves in a particularly divisive moment?
Some argue that social media and online culture has made our environments more toxic, or at least our perception of them. Then, there’s the phenomena sociologists call polarization and tribalism.
There’s also a possibility that division stems from the complex nature of our modern problems themselves. It’s worth your time to research the historical roots of issues that capture the culture’s imagination—the elaborate web of context often underlying an argument or news headline.
Let’s face it though, most of us are lucky to fit in a few pre-packaged meals during the work week, and it’s a shrinking minority who have the time, discipline, and attention span to actually read.
So what do we do?
From my experience mediating between students as a high school counselor, these are my top two ‘rules’ for loving disagreement.
Imagine an accomplished professor of psychology giving a rousing commencement speech—retiring after years of service as head of her university’s department. With thousands of citations under her belt, she’s widely considered a leading mind in her field.
Now think of a Grammy-winning, Rock and Roll-Hall of Fame guitarist in a classic band from the 1970s. The good old days are long gone, but he spends every summer weekend at casinos around the country raking in the big bucks and signing autographs for a sea of baby boomers sharing in the blissful nostalgia.
These are humans who’ve reached the top of their game, but they’ve got something else in common. What they don’t know far surpasses what they do know.
We often lose sight of this inarguable truth, especially when we’re caught up in an unproductive conversation. Every person has a unique perspective and a lifetime of accumulated knowledge to offer. Your complex internal world—the countless thoughts and feelings that run through your head each day—yeah, everyone has that too.
Regardless of smarts or status, everyone has something to teach you. Treat them that way, and they’ll likely return the favor.
Once you’ve assumed a humble countenance, the next step is to assess what stating your disagreement aloud is meant to accomplish.
Are you trying to convince someone to adopt your position or accept the validity of your argument? If you’ve thought through the issue at hand and your case is strong, then this might be a worthwhile, albeit far-fetched goal.
Maybe your position is more of a gut feeling or an opinion based on personal experience. This kind of anecdotal position is only less valid in the sense that others may not have the same experience, and so the takeaway from the experience is less generalizable (applicable to other situations).
People rarely (if ever) change their minds because of a Facebook comment, especially if it means abandoning a sincerely held belief or core part of their identity. So, it’s almost always more fruitful to try to understand someone else’s perspective than to try to convince them of something you learned through your own experience.
